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Nezaměstnaný se hlásí na inzerát o práci u Microsoftu jako uklízeč WC. Vedoucí personálního si ho pozve na pohovor, následně ho nechá absolvovat test (s novým těsněním pod WC). Nakonec řekne: “Jste zaměstnán! Dejte mi svou emailovou adresu a já Vám zašlu vyplněnou smlouvu s údaji, kdy a kde se máte hlásit!” Muž odpoví zmateně, že vlastně nemá ani počítač ani emailovou adresu. Vedoucí personálního odvětí, že je mu tedy líto, ale bez emailu prý virtuálně neexistuje a nemůže proto dostat tu práci. Muž odchází, zmaten, pouze s 10 dolary v kapse. Rozhodne se koupit 10 kilo rajčat v supermarketu, a s těmi jde ode dveří ke dveřím. Do jedné hodiny prodá svá rajčata a zdvojnásobí tak svůj investovaný kapitál. Tak to udělá ještě třikrát a přichází domů s 80 dolary. Uvědomí si, že se takhle uživí, každý den vychází dříve z domu, vrací se později a troj- až čtyřnásobně navyšuje denně svůj kapitál. Později zakoupí ruční vozík, pak dodávku, a najednou je majitelem malé flotily dodávek. Za pět let je jedním z největších dodavatelů potravin v USA. Myslí na budoucnost své rodiny a nechá si od svého pojišťovacího agenta vypracovat komplexní pojištěni. Na konci schůzky se ho agent zeptá na jeho emailovou adresu, aby mu mohl zaslat vypracovaný návrh pojištění. Muž odpoví, že nemá email. “Zvláštní,” odpoví agent, “nemáte email a vybudoval jste takové impérium. Představte si, kde jste mohl dnes být, kdybyste email měl!” Muž se zamyslí a odpoví: “To bych uklízel záchody u Microsoftu!”

Fellowship of the Ring, Green dragon song.

Fallout 4

Lip Sync Battle with Emma Stone

Esmée Denters – Outta Here


Zabava

18769 18770 18771 18772 18773 18777 42355 42360 42370 42373 42383 42392Back up plan

Takto se stěhuje v Turecku

Moje vektorove obrazky

Free images (zadarmo)

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a little country girl. She had a little red riding hood made for her. It suited the girl so extremely well that everybody called her Little Red Riding Hood.

She hit the road over dark wood visit her grandmother. As she was going through the wood at a time go out from bushes wolf driving bike and stand up her to the road.

“Hoy Little Red Riding Hood. I’ll rape you.”

“Do you have condom?” she asked him.

“For what? I don’t need that.”

“Indeed. So you can do it to yourself without my help. I refuse have sex with you ” she retorted.

” I won’t ask you” said wolf and jump upon her. He had no idea moron about her black belt in karate.She kicked him in the midst of legs, hit his snout with the fist and then she grab his neck and whip with him against ground. Wolf lay on the ground unconscious. She came to his bike and break it. Then she continued on her journey. After while she saw seven dwarfs searching something.

“What have you lost?” she asked them.

“Nothing” answer biggest dwarf “just prince came to our house and said he want to chat with snow-white in privacy, so she sent us look for some mushrooms for diner.

“I see” said Little Red Riding Hood. “So you left snow-white all alone in house with some prince? I bet they wanted get empty apartment.”

“Oh man” yelped one dwarf “he probably want to do something to her.”

“Let’s go home guys” order biggest one and dwarfs hurry headed to home.

Little Red Riding Hood reached grandmothers house. They sit in living room, and start chat about Days of our lives and about guys, over opened bottle of vine.

About one hour later wolf woke up. He took broken parts of his bike, crawled to his garage where he spent rest of the night welded his bike. When sunrise he get idea that front attack is not wise solution and he decide use back attack.

Couple of days later Little Red Riding Hood was again on the way to grandmother’s house because grandmother called, she was sick and needed some cough drops. This time Little Red Riding Hood made her prepared for danger and she wears heavy army boots and over her shoulder she carried shotgun. She was walking through forest and wolf surprise her because he raid to her on his fixed bike from back side. She fall on ground and drop her shotgun. In second she was back on her feet but wolf was faster and he stands between girl and weapon. Little girl didn’t hesitate. She run fast on him. She kick him so hard that he flew few yards and hit the tree. Slowly he fall down on ground and didn’t move anymore. She approached him and point shotgun to his head but when she saw his innocent face she decide to let him live and just shoot his bike. Few minutes later she met eight dwarfs.

“How come you are not just seven” she wonder.

“Not anymore” answer biggest dwarf. “You know, when last time we get home we caught prince red handed. He was very close to our snow-white”

“He means he was fucking her” interrupted one dwarf.

“Whatever” said first dwarf “so we start beat this bad prince and all end up he is now eighth dwarf.”

“I got it” said Little Red Riding Hood and get back on the road.

Three hours later wolf woke up, pick up his bike in million pieces and start welding it again in his garage and meanwile he was thinking about new plan. When sunlight came through windows and roosters were making some terrible noises in order to let everyone know new day is coming, wolf had new plan.

“I will go to grandmother’s house, eat her and then when Little Red Riding Hood will come I will pretend I am grandmother” So he jump on his bike, raid around forest and did what he planed.

When Little Red Riding Hood get into grandmother’s house she found old women in bed.

“Grandmother, what big ears you have” said little girl.

“So I can better hear you my child”

” A grandmother why you have as large teeth?” go on in interrogation.

” To didn’t have to dig only semolina pulp” respond grandmother

” A grandmother why you have so reds eyes?” wondered Red Riding Hood, when seen her red eyes.

” From welding you BITCH!!!” shout wolf, tear down grandmothers dressing gown and with opened mouth jump upon girl. However she was ready for anything and everything so she just put muzzle of the shotgun into his mouth and shoot off his head.

 

Magic mug

Once upon a time there was a little house on top of a hill. In this house lived an old man with his wife. One day when they woke up early at 11 am his wife said to her husband.

“My dear, would you please go to the kitchen and make some breakfast for me?” she asked.

Her words sound too nice to be true and man realized he is still dreaming. When he really woke up his big wife said.

“Yo, man. Get out of bed and make some food for me” and she pushed him out of bed on floor. Such a sweet wife. So he gets up from the floor and crawled into the kitchen. Because his cooking skills were less then basic he used magic mug. He put mug on the table and said

“Hey, magic mug. Please make some food for my ever-hungry wife, so she won’t eat me.” he begged mug.

The man was kind of hoping, that the mug will make least chicken soup, but the mug was an old model and all what knows to make was pudding. On bottom of mug appear pudding and very slowly grown. When man seen how fast its going, he took the newspaper and go to visit rest room.

He sits in the rest room and read story about smart guy who put water on coffee, asleep and burned house.

“How people can be so irresponsible?” wander man and entirely forgot about mug in kitchen.

Mug didn’t forget about its own job and when he made itself full of pudding, he starts filling kitchen with it.

After half hour wife in bedroom lost her patience and she decided to check out the breakfast. After many years she first time get out of the bed and because she was 300 pounds heavy she done miracle by this move.

When she open the door to kitchen, the pudding already reach top of the room and now splash the women out of house through the window. Because house was standing on top of the hill, pudding took this sweet and big lady down to the river and after few weeks she reach ocean. She was out of luck and very soon one shark discovered his launch. Because she was so big he better call entire family of sharks to help him take care of this big lady.

But back in time when she was taken away by her own breakfast, her husband attempt to get out of restroom. When he tried to open the door it was stuck by press of pudding. Only one bright idea came on his mind. He open the door little bit and start eat this pudding. When he ate enough of it, he was finally able to open the door and he found his house filled up to the roof with pudding.

“Well, I am sure I am not a good cook” he said and then he started cleaning house. After one month he was done eating all of this pudding. Now the old man was looking like basketball but thousand times bigger. He didn’t walk anymore but he was rolling on the floor. He couldn’t get out of his house because his door was too small. After a few times when he rolled through house and hit the door, he finally shoots off the door with big part of the wall and he was free. For a moment.

Now start the biggest adventure of his life. As we already know the house was on top of the hill and the old man has no chance of stopping his movement after he knocked out the door. In growing speed he rolled down to the creek and then he continued rolling across the world.

“Look man, some big meatball rolling downhill toward our town” shouted guy standing on the square.

“That’s not a meatball dude, that’s puddingball” corrected another man.

Their chat was cut off by the big man who rolled over those guys.

As he continued his forced trip around the world he grounded many towns and cities and one day he reached ocean. He has seen his wife once again. Actually he saw only her bones. Because he was like a balloon he rolled over the ocean on surface and he didn’t drown. And then he finally reached the end of the world and fall down over edge.

Some nights when sky will be clear and you will look up, you can see a big shining star right beside of the moon. If you will use a telescope you will find out that it is not just big rock but it is the old man who ate too much pudding.